A middle road for choosing epidurals

When I was preparing for Baby Lulu, I spent a lot of time thinking about epidurals. I read books and articles and talked to other moms. I considered my values and what I trusted of science findings vs my own intuition. I knew there were pregnant women who were clear they would never, ever get an epidural. And I knew there were pregnant women who wondered why you would ignore a miracle of modern science. And I knew I wasn’t either of those.

I think I got stuck where a lot of pregnant women get stuck: I didn’t prefer an epidural…but I was willing to get one, if I needed it.

But I didn’t know how “if I needed it” would play out during actual labor. Would I cave early because it hurt and I wanted out? Would I wait too long and not give myself the relief that was required? What does “required” even mean? I knew I didn’t want to regret my decision later, by not making a plan for what a good decision meant. Well…I found a definition of “if I needed it” that makes sense to me, and I think captures what a lot of women are looking for.

I want the epidural, if it will relieve or prevent trauma.

I’m ready to be in pain for a medication free labor. I’m ready to hurt, be angry, loose my temper, cry, throw up, tear, etc. But, for me, it makes sense not to leave my birth traumatized for the purpose of avoiding an epidural.

When my labor happened, we reached the trauma point. It was time for an epidural, and I got one. I don’t regret it a bit (even though I do think it might have led to early struggles in breastfeeding). While I was making the decision, one other reason became clear to me.

I wanted an epidural, because of how it would let me meet my daughter.

I knew if I continued in the current conditions, Baby Lulu would arrive and I would be empty, completely depleted, a mental and emotional shell of myself. Because it was clear I still had a lot of trauma left in front of me before she would be birthed. I didn’t want to meet her like that. I wanted to feel like I could show up to greet her. And I did, and it was beautiful. No regrets.