Soul-Care: the real job of postpartum doulas
When I was pregnant with Baby Lulu, I over-prepared. If there was a birth related service, I had it lined up: infant/mommy chiropractor, pregnancy specialist massage therapist, lactation consultant, birth doula, therapist ready to look for postpartum depression…everything. And yet, I did not line up a postpartum doula. (That’s not entirely true, at about 38 weeks I hired one in a mini-panic.)
I did not really understand postpartum doula care. I thought it was a safety net, in case 24 hour infant care was too much for my husband and I, or extra help if I developed postpartum depression. (These are perfectly great reasons to hire a postpartum doula, by the way.) I thought of a postpartum doula as a way to fill any remaining gap to get us to 100% functioning. That’s not wrong…but it’s also not quite right. Postpartum doulas aren’t really infant care, or house-care, or nutrition-care.
Postpartum doulas are soul-care. I know that sounds lofty, maybe even a little eye-roll inducing, and I get it…I’m rolling my eyes a little at myself even now. But it’s also true.
Let me share real quick why you need soul-care. Pregnancy is a marathon of emotion, exhaustion, and discomfort; and that’s on its good days. Labor and delivery is a sprint, sometimes a long sprint, of huge emotions and intense physicality. And postpartum is another marathon of emotion, exhaustion, and discomfort. Back to back to back.
Your. soul. is. tired.
So your postpartum doula shows up for soul-care, what does that look like?
Making you a cup of tea, which both nourishes your body and allows you to feel someone dote on you for a minute.
Listening to you. The good, the bad, the scary.
Giving you a break to finish a puzzle with your five year old.
Helping you unpack your birth story. (If you haven’t given birth yet, this is a whole thing. Check out my blog post on it.)
Emptying your trash can, because overflowing trash cans are the worst.
Keeping an eye out for postpartum depression or anxiety, and helping you find help if you need it.
Taking the baby at their fussiest.
Giving you a break to take a shower or bath.
Putting the rice in the rice cooker and the chicken in the oven. Dinner: handled.
And all kinds of other things….you get it.
Do you see it? Soul-care. It’s like self-care…but someone else does it.
The best part of this list is you often don’t even have to ask. A postpartum doula’s speciality is to spend a few minutes with you and quickly assess where to focus. Of course, it doesn’t have to be a professional who does this. It can be your mom, sister, friend, another relative… But we all need soul care in postpartum. It’s our birthright.
-Laney
A note on partners,
Your partner (husband, wife, co-parent) is not a postpartum support person. They are in the trenches with you; in your shared marathon. Partners and postpartum support people are like a bowl and spoon while eating soup. You really need both, and they are not interchangeable, even though they have a lot in common.
My husband is a very engaged partner and father. About two weeks postpartum he said “I’m really grateful you hired a postpartum doula last minute. You’re going through something I could not possibly understand. You needed someone to talk to, and I am too tapped out emotionally to have given you what you need”.
